Pulling Weeds

Long time no speak!

To be honest, I have been putting off this post for sometime.

I didn't know when the right time was to post again or even write.

But here I am! Back at it! YAY

I really don't know what to write about right now, I feel like so much stuff has happened and yet I am unable to write about it because I don't know where to start.

I guess a good place to begin would be the mention of the "S" word.

. . . . . . . . .

In July, I had my 6 month brain MRI and appointment with Dr, P, my oncologist from MGH. After years of chemo, he finally told me that I will need surgery at some point.

I feel like it's been a punch in the gut. I've known since ever that chemo was only a temporary fix, and wouldn't make me better or heal me. I knew surgery was always going to happen, but it was never discussed because my hearing has been so well, so it was easy for me to ignore.

Obviously I can't do that now.

Anyway,

The "S" word of surgery is gross and disgusting and I hate it. My negative feelings towards tumors and mutated genes are like WAY high right now. I'm angry. Not only for myself, but all the others who have gone through something similar that I have, especially the children.

Contra to popular belief, I am not sick. NF2 has been a part of my life since I was a baby: growing tumors is in my DNA.

As an adult, I see countless kids at the PEDS specialty clinic, and I am reminded of the times when I was a kid and spent time at doctors appointments trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

It's confusing and scary. My heart goes out to all the kids and parents who have to deal with medical monsters like Cancer and tumors.

It sucks so much.

Since July, I feel like I'm in limbo. Like one foot is out the door while the other is staying put.

I'm not dealing with possible surgery well at all. I don't know how I found that strength to deal with it back when I was 16.

I was so cool then.

Now, I am currently going to the hospital around every 2-3 weeks.

The mental health team has been giving me a lot of support which helps me out a lot.

When quarantine began, I stopped seeing my local therapist due to my health condition. I plan on seeing her again so we can set up a plan for me to feel better again.

Also,

I recently started pulling weeds.

It comforts me.

I suffer from Trichotillomania. I have always been bad when it comes to dealing with my anxiety. I started self-mutilating in middle school by picking my skin, but plucking my hair has definitely become a major habit of mine in recent years.

So, to help control my urge to pick my hair, I have began pulling weeds.

So far I have broken most of my nails and created many bare patches of grass in my backyard.

I think my days of pulling weeds are numbered.Once I resume weekly therapy again, I will get mentally strong enough not to have the urge anymore, hopefully. . .

So ya!

I know this isn't an extremely light-hearted post, but I just wanted to be real when I wrote. What I am experiencing right now is one of the lower times during my medical journey. It's hard for me to be positive, but will do my best!

I will try!

P.S. Also I graduate next Spring! Fingers crossed my health stays stable this upcoming year so I can finally graduate!