How It All Goes

Wow. I officially suck at trying to be an active blogger! yay!

Anyway, this past month has been hard.

Heck, even December sucked.

It all began with a friggen’ MRI.

Those damn things. They put you in this tube for over an hour and then wake you from your nap and try to talk to you while you are wearing those big headphone things. Like, I am trying to be better at lip-reading, but I can’t tell what the technicians are saying when I have pillows covering my ear and a cage wrapped around my head.

But yeah,

when it was finally over, I was sent home and after waiting like two weeks I finally get my results . . .!

TWO WEEKS.

I had spent the early half of December basically picking all my hair out because I was so nervous about the results,

and guess what!

THERE WAS GROWTH,

!!!!!!!

!

!!

!!

!!!!!!!

Well,

kinda.

I checked Google dot com and asked how big 4 cm is compared to fruit.

Apparently the little asshole I have been growing for years in my brain is now the size of a strawberry.

GUYS, I HAVE A STRAWBERRY IN MY BRAIN.

I was told it grew in the report but then I was told by a doctor that it didn’t and then I was told by my big Boston doctor, Dr. P, that it grew but just a tiny bit. So there's that.

Now, because of the baby growth, I am on chemo AGAIN for another 3 months.

Yep. Yeah. Uh Huh.

This entire “Is the strawberry in my brain actually a strawberry” episode started in early December and lasted until last week (fun fact it’s actually the size of a date or big green grape not a strawberry !) and now it's overrrrrr.

And during the course of this brain tumor business, my mental state became a dark shadow that gobbled Rachel, myself, up.

Like depression, specifically anxiety, is gross.

And after all these years of chemo, MRIs, and tests: its all finally hitting me. The doctors are concerned about me mentally. Due to recent events, I will start seeing a mental care team at U of I Hospital along with my regular therapist.

Honestly?

I think this is a step in the right direction. Even though I am now able to speak frankly about my situation; I still have a ton of emotional baggage I have yet to sort through.

Now, I know this post is just all over the place, but I just got back from therapy and had a lot on my mind. Sometimes I feel like I am doing better like I am able to go out more and want to socialize and meet new people; I can finally see a bright future for myself.

But then I get a bad MRI scan and I crumple so quickly.

The image I create of my future when I’m healthy collapses the moment I receive less than positive news about my health.

I hope and pray that one day I will be able to overcome this and move on in my life to a place where I feel very secure, content, and okay about my situation.

It’s overwhelming and tiring. I will continue to try my best to be upbeat and positive, it might just be a little hard at times and that’s okay. I know I will always be continually working on myself mentally, it's a long journey to love and accept yourself again but I am trying!

So I guess I will just leave it here before I start to ramble about something else.

Byeeeeeeee!

P.s I will try to write more ! I promise!!

P.s.s Here is the GIF I made to help show you how I felt these past few months ! Enjoy!