Everything's Eventual !! ! ! !! !

Hello all!

I am getting better at writing about my life since school has restarted after a very loooong winter break.

It was like 2 months and I was becoming bored and my mental health was not in the very best place.

But anyway I am not here to talk about depression and anxiety; I am here to talk about my precious kidneys.

The bbys I have ignored for too long,

When I first started chemo, the doctors told me I would only be on it for about 1 to 2 years before my kidneys would start to fail me. Almost 6 years later and I am still on it and my kidneys are functioning . . . kinda.

If I haven’t mentioned in yet, 2019 was a hell year for me. A lot of medical first occurred: my first ER visit, my first for real mental breakdown that took me out of school for a bit, the first time my hearing dropped since 2014, the first time I fainted, and it was the first time in ever my kidneys started to show signs of damage.

Just Monday and went down to the hospital, the 35-minute journey on the interstate to only get denied chemo because my lab results were ugly and my kidneys were not doing too well.

Like it’s gross that I have to go through this, having to choose between preventing major tumor growth or my organs.

But it’s not the end of the world, it’s just another thing I must overcome.

I believe in my doctors and I believe in the medicine I am taking. Times like these I need to think positively and not dwell on the eventual.

I read the book Everything’s Eventual by Stephen King and even though it does not relate to my situation, the idea itself made me feel more content: that everything that is meant to happen, will happen no matter what.

Like every time I get an MRI, before I fall asleep, I spend about 15 minutes stuck in the tube praying. I pray and I pray for no tumor growth, I pray for a world where genetic diseases no longer exist. I pray for my family and I pray for resilience, that I am able to come out stronger than I was before despite the results.

I told Kat, my older sister, that I did this and she said, “why would you do that? There is no point in praying because what is done, is done."

And even though I was like, “Okay. sure whatever Kat” at first, after I had time to process her words, they really sunk in.

I mean, I can pray all I want during the MRI. I can pray every night before I go to bed, I can pray in the shower, I can pray while zoning out during classes, but praying is one part, the other is action.

Choosing to get chemo, taking care of my body, receiving help for my mental illness, are all ways I am actively trying to make living with this disease easier.

I used to pray and when I would get results I didn’t want, I would feel ashamed, like I let God and my body down. I would blame myself for getting worse and the tumors growing. I would hurt myself because I was angry that I was not getting better.

But why?

You can’t change what is meant to happen

You can’t change mutated DNA.

You just can’t,

But you can change how you address your unearned disadvantages in life.

You can’t blame anyone, because it was just a mistake, A mistake in nature that changed my life for the better.

Without this disease, I have always wondered who I would have been. I wonder if I would be driving, or not live at home. Maybe I would already be graduated or even married.

I also wonder if I would be as open-minded and positive as I am today.

The questions greatly outnumber the answers, but that’s okay!

And my kidneys are not doing too well but that’s fine!

Those are the facts.

Just like how I have tumors and a rare condition but I’m still here.

I still am able to type this and share my thoughts with you.

Everything will be okay because this was meant to happen.

And I don’t want to come off sounding overly weird by pushing the idea of “fate” or “God’s gift to me”. This really comes down to how I view my situation. Knowing this was meant to happen for a reason or not, gives me peace. It’s the peace I deserve.

Now I should probably wrap this all up. I meant to talk only about my kidney issues but I just rolled with whatever I typed. Hopefully you do not mind that much, it really was wild from start to finish. Next time I will try to stay on topics and not ramble forever lol. Bye Bye until then!