Choices

Hi!

I hope everyone is having a wonderful November!

I have been celebrating fall and Halloween since the beginning of August,

so I am literally burnt out from the spooky season,

but I am super excited for Thanksgiving!

Yee-haw.

So ya,

I had my last chemo infusion today.

It doesn't feel real to be completely honest.

I started chemo during the summer of 2014,

and getting treatment every 2-3 weeks has been the norm for me.

I'm sad to no longer see my nurses and doctors, but I know this is what has to happen.

chemo was never going to heal me,

just extend my quality of life.

and now,

whatever happens after this point is unclear.

I have another brain MRI in December and head back to Boston in January.

Until then, I just have to wait.

wait for the appoint,

wait for the MRI, and

wait to go fully deaf.

It sucks,

it really does.

I feel like I am stuck in limbo.

I can't do anything besides watch the tumor grow and experience my hearing decline.

which isn't all too awful.

I mean,

the waiting absolutely sucks and is hell.

Its like being stuck at an airport

and your flight keeps getting delayed but not cancelled.

I want to reach my destination,

not stay stuck waiting for a plane.

but,

aside from the waiting,

it's not all bad.

You see,

my hearing has been declining more and more each week.

and I've decided that going deaf isn't a bad thing.

Instead of looking at my situation as a loss, I choose to see it as a gain.

I am learning a new language

and culture.

I am meeting new people

and advocating for myself.

So,

it's only a bad thing if I chose to view it as that.

'which I don't.

and accepting this new reality,

makes me feel unbelievably powerful.

Just 6 years ago, I was experiencing the lowest point in my life.

I had no will to keep moving forward because I couldn't see a future where I was happy and at peace.

The thought of going deaf

and losing myself to this disease

terrified me.

but now,

I am able to accept and love myself for whatever or whoever I become after surgery.

because

it is what it is.

I stopped trying to understand why I have this condition a while ago.

It doesn't matter.

Everyone has something,

and this is my thing.

I am choosing to not let this condition take anyway anything more from me than it already has/will.

I am choosing to make the best out of this situation.

I am choosing to not let it define my happiness or future.

These are my choices.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

however, I can get through this, and I will.

Recently, I have been on the mental health high.

I am speaking with my hospital therapist and local therapist weekly.

It helps.

With chronic conditions, or health issues,

the mental health part is never really included in the whole package.

Illness is seen as a phycial thing, not always mental.

but like, medical truama is very very very real.

So, this time around I just want to prepare myself mentally for surgery.

so I am trying to positive mind and not feeding into a bunch of scary possibilities.